Crap Us All

Wednesday, December 7, 2011, 9:08 PM

WE NEVER REALLY KNOW.

I'm tired of listening to myself think,
I woke up to a gloomy, chill late morning with Stef lying on the mattress below.
I thought back to our conversations, the night earlier. The familiar faces, which MIGHT not be as familiar in the time to come. It was scary, it was depressing.
I wish i didn't but i allowed myself to swallow into my thoughts and it brought me back to Prom...
For most they'd talk about the dancing and stuff like that... actually the dancing was the only thing there is to talk about. However for me, i barely danced thanks to the annoying photographers, so i sat at the back of the restaurant most of the time... People most probably though i did naughty things back there but the only thing i did was sit and watch how far we've all changed from my memories. How broken, twisted and lonely we've become
As the disco lights continuously focuses on the different people, my thoughts dwell deeper into the past and if prom marked a closing chapter. Then i can't say it's brought a very pretty realization.
We've all collected baggage, created skeletons for our closet and drifted so far from the person we once "first knew"
I loved the 5 years i've spent in High School, i love my friends. They'll always be a part of me and that's why i guess at this point, it hurts so much.
Not because it's the end of a chapter, and we'll never see each other again.But mainly because we've ended without closure... we've ended with so much pent up anger, hate. Betrayal and mistakes. I sat there, feeling lonelier than i've ever felt emotionally. for everything to have reached what it is right now, it's made me question the trust and love i believed in. It's made me question my loyalty as a friend.
And when you don't know what's going on and your gut questions your every instinct. You're worst than lost. You're trapped.
I was... and i most probably still am, trapped in a ball of events, mistakes and emotion.
There are many times i know i've failed as a friend. Those are the things that haunt me the most.
I wish i could say i'm sorry and extend a hug. But i know they're not enough to compensate for the times i didn't listen and for the inconsiderate actions and words
Most importantly for not being the support they needed.
I don't know how to fix everything, and fill back all the holes...
But i'm hoping the trip down to kuching, would give us honey bunchers the closure we once had, or better yet.. a stronger bond.
I don't quite look forward to new years because i don't adapt well to change.
But i'm beginning to believe, that maybe i really do need to embrace a new chapter.
It's been a bitter sweet year &
I need to find a way to free myself..

Labels: depression, friendship, graduation

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This blog consists of 4 best friends (cliche? i don't think so)
Aainaa
I stand on the sidelines, hidden in the background.
Alif
Sweet like honey.. Bitter like no other..
Crystal
Going on 17, female, mermaid :)
Stefanie
i love many crap and i'm not very nice.i sometimes shout and i love getting attention. i like the colour pink, and also i like celebrity gossips. and oh yeah, i hate miley cyrus and justin bieber.

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